I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
