Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
