I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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