i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
