I faked an abortion last night.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
