I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
