I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
