Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
