guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
