Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
