Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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