Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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