I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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