News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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