dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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