It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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