Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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