I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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