So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
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he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
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Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?