I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet