Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
