Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
