Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
