mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
