I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
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I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
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My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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