I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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