just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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