I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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