is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
