I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
