so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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