Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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