Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
