what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
