I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
