i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
