please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
