why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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