Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
