What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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