I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
