U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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