he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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