Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I am midnight drunk by noon
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
