someone threw a dead crab at me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
