I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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