I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
