You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
