is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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