Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
