she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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