In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
