This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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