If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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