I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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