I just cut my nipple shaving
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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