Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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