my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
